Ask Anything: Silent Friends
Some friends have gone silent and seem to be avoiding me & it hurts. Did this happen to you?
Oh, this is a hard one. Yes this happened to me, and yes it hurt. My heart is with you.
Here’s the thing—I truly believe that your friends are not trying to avoid or ignore you. My guess is they don’t know what to say or do—to the point that it’s paralyzed them. Maybe now they feel it’s too late, so they step back to avoid making things worse.
How do I know? Well, this has been me before, and probably you too? I have avoided the pain of people I love dearly because I didn’t know how to be a good friend when loss and grief hit. It’s a tough place to be.
Some of my friends dropped off. Twice friends saw me in the grocery store and turned around to walk the other direction. I received eyes of pity from across the room more than I could count. I heard the rumors going around.
All of this hurt, but I also knew that these people loved me—they just didn’t know what to say.
My advice? Choose grace, forgive quickly, keep a short record of wrongs, give them the benefit of the doubt. If they are safe friends, maybe start the conversation to get things moving again. You could text and say, “I know things are complicated right now, but I really value and need your friendship through this. Would you be up for grabbing a coffee and going for a walk?”
Some friendships are too paralyzed and it’s ok to hit pause on the relationship. Those friendships may come around again one day. And maybe they won’t—that’s ok too. Other friends (sometimes surprising ones!) will step in close and care for you in incredible ways.
Dear Church, please don’t go radio silent on your friend walking through betrayal, abandonment and unwanted divorce. She would so much rather you say the wrong thing or do the awkward thing than disappear. Please don’t disappear. Stumble your way towards her—it will mean more than you can imagine. Pick up your phone, send the text, make the meal, line up the babysitter, schedule the coffee date. It’s ok to make mistakes along the way. She will know you love her enough to be uncomfortable.
Remember: A friend loves at ALL times (Proverbs 17:17).
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