Let’s Talk About…Dating (Guest Post by Susanna Kirksey)

A GUEST POST BY SUSANNA KIRKSEY

Dating can be hard. No doubt about it.

Dating as a single parent? Possibly the hardest.

There are so many conflicting opinions from well-meaning friends and family members that it can be hard to sift out the next step of the journey that is meant solely for you. Your best friends may tell you to “get back out there.” Your sister may tell you to “take some time for yourself.” Your mom-brain might be telling you to “give your kids time to heal”. Your mother might want to introduce you to her friend’s son that went through a recent divorce. Your coworker may say, “I’ve got JUST the guy for you.” “Hang in there! I’m sure he’s RIGHT around the corner.” “Just stop trying so hard, and it will happen.”

And on and on.

Then there are the dating apps. And swiping. Don’t accidentally swipe the wrong way, be careful which friends you let hold your phone (true story), don’t forget to have fabulous photos of yourself mountain biking, dressed up with friends for a girls’ night out, the perfect headshot, a pic with your adorable pet, one with glasses that makes you look smart, vacationing on the beach where you appear tan and carefree, a casserole you baked, a basketful of folded laundry, and a partridge in a pear tree. Kidding about the last 3. Maybe.

And stressing over that first date outfit. Good grief. That first date outfit. There’s relearning how to act on a date after not dating since you were in college and wondering if the whole town is talking about you now that you’re “back in the saddle.” Don’t forget paying for the sitter for the littles and all of the questions that your older kids will have when they see that mom’s dressed in something other than sweatpants and a top bun.

Speaking of kids…. You have little (and maybe bigger-ish) eyes watching you constantly. Their hearts and safety are at the very top of that priority list, and all you want is for them to be happy, healthy and whole. Thus, your time is not always your own. Your space is not always your own. Your life is not your own. Mom guilt is a very real thing that we are often ashamed to talk about, and it can wreck you if you don’t gain proper perspective. (That’s a whole other box to unpack.)

If you’ve not entered the single-parent dating world yet, I don’t mean to frighten you, but…It. Is. Exhausting.

We live in such a self-sufficient and independent culture, that naturally, I felt the need to take complete control of my dating life. As a single mom, I was so used to doing things on my own anyways, that I figured this was no different. Yet, for 7 years after my divorce, I struggled to succeed in the single-parent dating world. And I tried EVERYTHING. My dating app profile was so on point that I had friends ask me to write theirs. I became a good serial first dater, and some of my friends even began labeling me a “food digger” because that’s how much I loved a great meal out. I met some really great guys, and I met some really horrible ones. I came out with some hilarious stories and a broken heart a time or two or three. Square one became a familiar place for me, and being sent back to it felt like the norm.

For example, on one first date, I sat in shock as I watched my date pick a scab off of his arm, hold it up for a closer look, and then BLOW IT OFF OF HIS FINGER. Like it was a birthday candle. Y’all. A scab. THE HORROR. (See Susanna RUN back to square one.) I’m telling you…it’s rough out there.

At times, dating seemed like such a trivial part of my life compared to every other area such as parenting and working, that I didn’t think God even cared about such an endeavor. After all, why would I still be single after 7 years if He cared? Why did I have this desire in my heart to share my life with someone only to be disappointed time after time? I was literally trying everything, and none of it was working. Was there something wrong with me? Was I just completely broken beyond repair?

I. Was. Exhausted.

Finally, after 7 years of trying, I gave up. I had no more energy for it. I begged God to take the desire out of my heart if I was meant to be alone. But that desire never went away, and I was left with feeling a complete lack of control over my own life and desperate for God to move. And friend, that is RIGHT where I needed to be.

Faith can be terrifying. In an uncertain world, we often cling to security anywhere we can find it. And more often than not, the “security” we think we’ve found fails. I had been searching for that security within myself, other people and my own actions, and guess what? I failed. People failed. We are human. Flawed and imperfect. No wonder I was so exhausted by trying to control and figure it all out. I wasn’t meant to.

I don’t know where you lie on the spectrum of faith or if you believe that there is a God that loves you and cares about you. However, the story I’m about to tell you is real, and it has transformed my faith in a way that I could never have even dreamed or imagined. Once I gave up, I really gave up. I’d tried to lay it down and walk away from it many times before, but until I got desperate for God to do what only HE could do, every attempt at releasing my death grip of control was met with futility.

On March 27, 2022, I sat in church and listened to my pastor issue a 21-day challenge to pray DESPERATELY, PERSISTENTLY, and HONESTLY about that heavy thing that we cannot move on our own. You guessed it. For me, that heavy thing was dating. I went home that afternoon and deleted not just my dating apps, but THE PROFILES. Those silly profiles that I had worked SO hard to craft. Gone. Somehow, that physical action became the catalyst for trusting in a God and future that I could not visibly see. And I began to wrestle with God every day. It was not a one and-done deal. I often had to let it go again multiple times throughout the day. That’s what it means to have persistent faith. “And without faith it is impossible to please him, for whoever would draw near to God must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who seek him.” (Hebrews 11:6) If nothing else, I began to feel peace and freedom in an area of my life that had only seemed to breed chaos and frustration. My perspective was changing. My heart was changing.

Exactly one week later, God answered that prayer and brought an incredible man into my life. He had recently moved to the area, and I randomly showed up in his “people he might know” on Facebook. It almost sounds too good to be true, but YOU TELL ME GOD DIDN’T DO THAT. He sure enough did it. And if I were an outsider looking in, I might be skeptical. Well, actually I was pretty skeptical at first. I thought, “Seriously? This was what you were waiting for me to do, God?” Well, yes. Actually, it was. And in hindsight, I can see that God knew that it would take me this long to get my head and heart straight. He knew that Josh was not ready for it either. He was busy working on both of us separately and simultaneously. Incredible. And you might be saying, “Seriously? One week?”, but I’m telling you….I was prepared to hit the mat and wrestle for as long as it took to see an answer. I don’t understand it, but His timing is ALWAYS perfect.

God puts it this way… “For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways…For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.” (Isaiah 55:8-9)

My mind has been totally blown as I’ve watched this relationship and absolute gift unfold. And as I know how hard it can be to read the relationship success stories of others, I want to be sensitive to that and not go on and on about it. However, I do want you to know this. God loves you and cares about your circumstances. He cares about your relationships. Your finances. Your children’s hearts. He cares about pulling you from the depths of depression and anxiety and loves you even in that addiction you are battling. In my own experience, I’ve found that we often cannot see what God is doing in the valley. We have such myopic vision when it comes to our problems and everyday lives that we cannot see the bigger picture. But God is always working behind the scenes to prepare a future for us, in this life and in the next. That’s His promise to us.

Take heart. He is working things out for YOU. Even if you can’t see it now, trust God and have the courage to pray those desperate, persistent and honest prayers. He doesn’t fail. Ever. And He is good. The plans that He is preparing for you may include a relationship, and they may not. He is faithful in all circumstances, and rest assured that those plans are always for your good and His glory.