Let’s Talk About…Unfulfilled Desires

I really thought I would have more people on my bench. 

I always pictured myself with four kids. I envisioned a busy home, game nights, shared rooms and shared clothes. I wanted our six-person table to be full. 

But then I walked through four years of infertility after the adoption of my second daughter, a broken marriage and a surgery that means no more babies will come from my body. 

Most days I’m at peace with this. 

But some days I wake up heartsick for the babies that will never be and the empty seats at my table.

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I always pictured my life with my husband by my side for all my days . I envisioned growing old with my best friend. I wanted to experience that knowing and being known you hear about. The kind that softens with age and hard work and sacrificial love. I wanted to reach 50 or even 60 years together.

But then my husband decided to leave and I found myself all alone.

Most days I’m at peace with this.

But some days I wake up heartsick for my marriage that shattered and the anniversaries I will never reach.

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So now, I often find myself dreaming of and praying for a new husband. Someone who would step in as our family redeemer, like the godly Boaz in the book of Ruth. After all the pain, I imagine a new love and a second chapter full of joy.

But he hasn’t walked into my life. 

Most days I’m at peace with this. 

But some days I wake up heartsick thinking I’m destined to be alone forever. 

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Unfulfilled desires. We all have them. Your’s might look different than mine, but I have no doubt you share a similar heartsickness over the no’s you’ve received. Living in this world means living with desires that might be delayed or even left unmet. We were not made for this place. God has set eternity in our hearts and this world will just never live up (Ecclesiastes 3:11). 

So what do we do with these longings that ache within us? Where do we place the desires that will not let go of our hearts? 

It’s a question I’ve really struggled with.

I grew up thinking that if I had desires for good things (husbands and children, etc.), then they must have been written on my heart by God, and thus he would give me the desires of my heart. If he wrote the desires, surely he would fulfil the desires. 

But that’s not how my life has played out. I have many deeply desired and yet unfulfilled longings that just hang in the atmosphere of my life.

And if I’m being honest, the not getting has really shaken me. 

I’ve questioned God’s goodness. 

I’ve questioned if his Word is really true and trustworthy. 

I’ve questioned if the things I’ve wanted have been bad or wrong. 

I’ve questioned if I’m bad or wrong.

There sure are enough pithy quotes and out-of-context Bible verses to really fan these thoughts into flame, aren’t there?

So I will ask again, what do we do with these unfulfilled desires? Is it really God who writes them on our hearts? And if he does, why doesn’t he just take away the desires if he won’t give the gift?

Here’s where I’ve landed after years of wrestling with these questions. 

I believe God has written husbands and children on my heart. 

God created marriage and family. They are good gifts that come from the heart of God. I believe these are good desires. And I believe that he is the One who has written them on my heart.

I believe that he is able to give me these gifts—nothing is impossible for him.

If God can save a wretch like me, he can surely walk a husband into my life. If He can speak the universe into being, he could have opened my womb or provided opportunities for more complete adoptions. My desires are quite small and simple in light of God’s unlimited power.

I believe that he does not withhold good gifts because he’s cruel. 

His Word is packed full of verses that teach me that God is good and a Giver (See Psalm 84 to start with). I’ve known him too long to know that he is not cruel. And beyond his Word–my own story and the story of the global Church throughout history tells me the truth about our God of abundant grace.

I believe that he has written these things on my heart, not necessarily because he plans to give me these desired gifts, but because he wants to teach me through these desired gifts.

Just because he has written a desire, it does not necessarily mean the purpose is fulfilment. Maybe it does. Often it does. But sometimes, I think the desire is placed on my heart because the absence reveals my idolatry. It reveals what I actually worship. The absence reveals where I’m placing my hope. The absence reveals that God really isn’t first in my heart. This is hard to swallow. But it’s true. My heart is an idol factory. I do not love God above all. And until I’m confronted with the unmet longing, I forget these things. It is very easy to convince myself that I’m pretty great and that I don’t really need a Savior, thank you very much. The gaping holes in my desired life reveal the gaping holes in my love for Jesus. 

I believe that the lessons he desires for me to learn are better for me than the gift itself. 

(I will say, while I believe this one, I find it very hard to accept). God is far more concerned with my holiness than my happiness. And while that’s a hard truth to stomach some days, I know it’s true. His goal is my Christ-likeness. Not my getting whatever I want-ness. His end goal is that I look like Jesus. 

I believe that the absence of what I want can lead me to love Jesus MORE than getting what I want has the potential to do. 

Empty arms almost always lead me to turn my eyes to Jesus. It is typically our lack that drives us to his side, not our plenty. My unmet desires spur me to ask the question, is Jesus really enough? My unfulfilled desires move me to wrestle with my own heart. If I only have Jesus, am I complete? Do I have what I need in him alone? Is my joy grounded in knowing him or in my circumstances? Is my hope anchored in him or in a future that goes according to my own plan? These empty seats on my bench move me to remember that when I have Jesus, I’m actually not alone. The cold, hard fact is that I have only known him to be enough when I’ve felt the sting of loneliness and lack. These companions reveal the truth that only He can satisfy my heart.

I believe in a Savior who went before me and prayed, not my will, but Your’s be done. 

Jesus is our example here. We can look to him to learn how to live with unfulfilled longings. In the Garden of Gethsemane, he asked his Father for a different way forward–for a different cup to drink– “Father, if you are willing, take this cup away from me...” But then he bent those desires to the will of his Father and entrusted himself into the care of the One who had his best at heart– “nevertheless, not my will, but yours, be done” (Luke 22:41-42). Forgiveness and the ransom for my sin came through his choice to bend his will to the will of his Father. The resurrection came through his choice to bend his will to the will of his Father. Every single good thing I have in this earthly life is because of his choice to bend his will to the will of his Father. And my coming redemption and the promise of a brighter day–an eternal day–is through his choice to bend his will to the will of his Father.

I believe that even here, in this barren place, I can be completely and fully satisfied. I can be content, even if I never see the fulfillment of these desires

If Jesus is enough, and if Jesus has paved the way by bending his own will to the Father, and if his Spirit dwells in me, then I can be content in all circumstances– whether filled up or empty. Either Christ is enough, or he’s not. Will I believe that in having Christ, I am complete and lacking nothing? Even today? With the empty seats at my table? If Paul can learn this lesson, so can we. Here’s what he said about contentment in Philippians 4:12-13–

I know how to make do with little, and I know how to make do with a lot. In any and all circumstances I have learned the secret of being content—whether well fed or hungry, whether in abundance or in need. I am able to do all things through him who strengthens me.

So how do we live with unfulfilled desires? By Jesus Christ alone. He is the one who overcomes our lack with his enough-ness. He is the one who sets the example of bending the will. He is the one who sustains when we feel the sting of lack. He is the one who strengthens our hearts in this world that always falls short. And he is the one who anchors our hope. In every way he is enough. In little. In plenty. In hunger. In abundance. It all comes down to the sufficiency of Jesus.

And so we pray…

If, as we see in Jesus, that so much good can be accomplished through an unmet desire, then Lord, refine every single desire that grows up in my heart. Teach me to bend my will to your will. Teach us to pray like Jesus, not my will, but Your’s be done. Teach me to trust that a no from you is always for my good. Teach me to be patient and to desire holiness more than happiness. Help me to learn the lessons that you have set for me. Help me to learn contentment through Jesus. And stir up my affection for him above all. Above every good gift I have or wish for, may Jesus be higher. Less of me. More of Jesus. Less of my wants. More of his plans. Oh Lord, teach me that you are enough. We pray…

Satisfy us in the morning

with your faithful love

so that we may shout with joy

and be glad all our days.

Psalm 90:14

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So where does this leave us? Well, here’s where I’ve landed. As we delight ourselves in the Lord, he really does give us the desires of our hearts (Psalm 37:4). But I think our desires change the more we delight. The more and more we feast on Christ, our Bread of Life (John 6:35) the more abundantly full and satisfied we become. Everything else starts to pale in comparison to having more Jesus. I think we all know this to be true in our heads, don’t we? I know I do. So at the end of the day, it comes down to surrender. It comes down to saying, Jesus, I don’t desire you most of all. Will you change my desires? Will you grow my desire for you? Will you teach me the sufficiency of Jesus? And then every gift that he gives will be the most glorious cherry on the top of an already content and full life. So do I still pray that God will bring a godly man with two kids into my life? Yes–every day. But alongside that I’m praying two parallel prayers–Lord, I surrender these desires to you today. You know what is best and you are all I need and Lord, if you do decide to give these gifts to me, help me to still desire you above all. May the gifts adorn my life for your glory, but help me remember that they don’t complete me. I am already complete and full in You.

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“To pray ‘Thy will be done’, I must be willing, if the answer requires it, that my will be undone.”

Elisabeth Elliot