I was desperate.

And life was dark. So very, very dark. I looked up from the pit and wondered where God was in this grief, this impossible season, this shattering. Those dark December days stretched on–creeping towards the darkest days of the year. And it just felt so symbolic. It’s like the cosmic candle of my life had been snuffed and the last sparks were beginning to fade and smoke. All was lost.

Dear Church, we are called to step in towards people. To live incarnationally--the hands and feet of Jesus reaching out to the broken in our midst. We are not to exalt ourselves but rather, humble ourselves before others.

We can approach the throne of mercy and grace with confidence. On days of doubt. Days of loneliness. Days when our lives feel impossibly broken.

On our best days and our very worst days, we have access to mercy and grace.

The juxtaposition of a season full of cheer and twinkling lights and my own utter darkness and despair was almost palpable.

The women in your life who have walked through abandonment and divorce are probably really struggling at this time of year. Let’s choose to walk beside them this holiday season.

In our last post, we talked about how we have the capacity to hold both devastating grief and growing hope at the same time. Today let’s talk about some of the more practical stuff…

My 4 most painful moments happened while Christmas decorations decked my home.

As the calendar flips to November I feel a tightness in my chest. I tend to adopt a brace position in my heart & mind– waiting for the next blow.

We had twelve days.

Twelve days to close a chapter.

A chapter I loved, cherished and had poured my life out for. Twelve days to sell our things. Twelve days to say goodbye. Twelve days to pack suitcases. Twelve days to visit favorite spots for one last time.

Twelve days to lay my beautiful life in the grave of broken dreams and walk away.

Her heart will begin to beat with refreshed hope as the Body calls her to fix her eyes on Jesus and to keep running. As the Church comes beside her to lift her weary arms and help bear the burdens she carries she will begin to heal. Dear Church, you are such a vitally important part of her healing journey.

So dear weary, wary, over it wife, when you want to escape the hurt– it’s ok to ask God for an out. He is able to do all things. But let’s also remember that He knows best. He has a purpose and plan. He is good and His purposes and plans are good, not harmful. So if He says no, rest yourself in Him, your heart’s Strength.

Does it seem like everyone else has it easy while you suffer? What do you do when you wake up with a shattered, heavy heart? When life feels incredibly unfair, how do you battle your heart to believe truth?

We have made a conscious decision to REWRITE MEMORIES. We’ve decided to choose brave .

It happens all the time, doesn’t it? We are going about our business & all of a sudden a memory is triggered. When you’ve walked through abandonment & betrayal at the hands of your spouse, these triggered memories can be intruders, forcing their way to the forefront of your mind.

Let’s join in the sacred work of following abandoned wives with goodness, faithful love and mercy.

And then came what might have been, the very worst part of all. When I look back on those days, my skin crawls and I feel physical ache.

I entered a season my counselor labeled: THE SLOW DRIBBLE.

The initial story of unfaithfulness I heard was being tweaked. Expanded.

What had originally been exposed was only the beginning. It was simply the Truth Door being cracked…

And you are alone here. Alone in the valley of death’s shadow. Enemies lurk and taunt to the left and right. Fear of today, of tomorrow–it crushes in on you from every side. You have found yourself in the midst of deep darkness.

I don’t have a husband. But I have Jesus, my Shepherd.

Is He really enough?

Do I have all that I need?

A rot began to spread. Hatred, anger, disbelief stretched and festered in my heart. Death was still there, waging war against my heart. I had become a prisoner. I was buried in ache and pain. Bitterness was coursing through my veins— a deadly rot was overtaking my heart.

The Gospel is good news. The idea of “father” can be rewritten—even in the darkest situations. God is a perfect Father—point her, point them to Him. He is all they really need.

I wore white. I entered into a sacred covenant. I became part of a new family. I feasted and celebrated a bright future.

I WAS A BRIDE.

I’m no longer her, but a Bride I still am.