Friday, December 1st, will mark the 7th anniversary of my marriage shattering. I have a tradition of setting my alarm for December 1st with the label: YOU SURVIVED. And it’s true. We have.

How do you mark such a day?

Have you been cast very low this year? 

Are you reading this from the lowest point in the valley or the bottom of the pit? 

(Hi friend, I’m here too.)

Sometimes I lay awake at night feeling like such a massive burden to the people who love me. I feel so needy all the time. My friends and family have never begrudged helping me—ever. But it’s still a struggle to believe that I’m not a total drain on them. 

Maybe you feel this way too? 

I don’t have all the answers, but here are four things I’ve been pondering…

God is not a man that he might lie, or a son of man that he might change his mind… (Numbers 23:19)

I struggle with these words.

You see, I have trust issues. I loved a man who lied and changed his mind and it made me question everyone in my life.

My unwanted divorce ushered in a deep loneliness. This makes me feel unwanted, bitter, unmotivated and hopeless. Dark thoughts threaten to take over my heart when I lean into my isolation. I don’t always get it right, but here are three places I’ve learned to turn when loneliness hovers…

In one fell swoop, I lost HOME. The rug was pulled from my feet and I felt like a wanderer in the world. My husband had become my home in many ways, and his leaving turned everything upside down.

I sat alone in an elementary school parking lot on Mother’s Day. 

I didn’t get a break, flowers, or a nice breakfast in bed. What I did receive, was a loving text from my small group leader, lamenting with me over the state of my marriage. She gave me what my soul was actually craving. She offered me gospel truth and encouragement.  She reminded me that Mother’s Day is first, and foremost, the Lord’s Day. I am commanded to rejoice in Jesus, regardless if someone else is celebrating me. This wise saint helped me look upward to the cross and take my eyes off myself. 

Ok, here’s the thing. If I read about God, who sees and looks after me, and walk away thinking *I* must be someone pretty incredible and special, my worship is misplaced. 

If the end result of a God who looks on and after us, is a more puffed-up version of ourselves and self-importance, then we are getting things backwards. 

Tears burned my eyes. I was angry and desperately sad. How does a father abandon his family? It feels like the very worst of crimes. My mind raced as jumbled prayers spilled from my mouth. “Lord, will my daughters survive this breaking of our home? How will they come to understand that you are so very different? Can they separate in their hearts a father who leaves and a Father who stays?”  ** READ THE FULL ARTICLE ON RISEN MOTHERHOOD…

6 years after Mom died, my world completely shattered again as my husband’s unfaithfulness came to light. I walked through horrific betrayal, abandonment and unwanted divorce. My life, my home, and my heart were impossibly broken.

There have been many days over the last 6 years where I have questioned God’s goodness in my Mom’s homegoing. My pain has been so immense as I’ve walked through the darkest days of my own life.

I have trust issues. I loved a man who lied & changed his mind and It made me question everyone in my life. Are they being honest? Will they leave too?

And when I look to God, it’s nearly impossible to not sling the same questions at him.

We can approach the throne of mercy and grace with confidence. On days of doubt. Days of loneliness. Days when our lives feel impossibly broken.

On our best days and our very worst days, we have access to mercy and grace.

In our last post, we talked about how we have the capacity to hold both devastating grief and growing hope at the same time. Today let’s talk about some of the more practical stuff…

So dear weary, wary, over it wife, when you want to escape the hurt– it’s ok to ask God for an out. He is able to do all things. But let’s also remember that He knows best. He has a purpose and plan. He is good and His purposes and plans are good, not harmful. So if He says no, rest yourself in Him, your heart’s Strength.

And you are alone here. Alone in the valley of death’s shadow. Enemies lurk and taunt to the left and right. Fear of today, of tomorrow–it crushes in on you from every side. You have found yourself in the midst of deep darkness.

I wore white. I entered into a sacred covenant. I became part of a new family. I feasted and celebrated a bright future.

I WAS A BRIDE.

I’m no longer her, but a Bride I still am.

Dear Wife, God will perfectly father your children. You don't have to be Mom AND Dad. You are free to be Mom, and only Mom. God—our Everlasting Father—will take care of the rest.

If you hang around here long, you’re going to hear “it’s about beauty from ashes…” So what does that actually mean and what are we implying?

Dear wife, be careful what you believe about God in the midst of your suffering.

Your husband let go because selfishness ruled his heart. God hangs on eternally because perfect, steadfast, abounding, giving love rules His.